DAY 66 | Sinking in

facing-addiction-sinking-inHow many times am I going to keep throwing around the same fragments of a single idea—the idea being: You can become who you want to be through the power of  illumination, seeing the value of experience, values bringing themselves to life through you, holding yourself accountable, passions, talents…?

Themes only re-emerge so often in my story because I’ve had to re-learn the same lessons over and over in different ways.

Perspectives don’t change overnight.

But my story is really so simple: Sharing my real experience over time has empowered me to navigate the cliff face of my marijuana addiction. I can now value and use what I’ve been addicted to without losing control to it.

Toward the end of my addiction period, I found myself naturally using weed less and less. Whenever I got high after not using for days, weeks, or months, I was oddly shocked by how amazing the experience was. I was surprised to see just how true my intuitions had been. The pure magic of a special high was something none of my self-directed words could have ever quite described or rightly prized.

Though still using more than I thought I should, I felt secure . . . as though surrounded by safety nets and sign posts all confirming I really was on the right track.

I was relieved to see I hadn’t just been using the idea of this story as an excuse to fool myself.

It was in such moments of confirmation that the lessons I’ve been sharing really began to hammer home, connecting to the actual experience my recorded words were meant to represent.

That was when I knew I was changing.

I wrote this while high near the end of November, 2014:

“I don’t know how life will be once I’m completely in control of my addiction.”

I wrote this a few weeks later, when I first got high again after not using:

“Here’s a message for me: Welcome to a good high. It’s to enjoy this way.”

I didn’t use for about a month after that.

I wrote this when I next got high again:

“I see the balance I’ve been searching for. Everything seems so good. The timing of everything I’m working on now (and everything else) just feels so right.

“An 8th of weed just became a huge amount again (instead of something I could easily plow through in a weekend).”

After another few weeks of not using, I got high again and wrote:

“It’s so good when I wait for it.

“I want to use the stash I have now throughout the year—one bud at a time.

“I know I’ve said that sort of thing so many times before. Am I actually letting myself say it again?

“Something really must have changed.”

For the first time in as long as I could remember, I believed in myself to follow my own convictions.

I can’t describe how great it feels when sharing your experience leads to your experience being even better than you imagined it could be.

My story’s almost done. I was able to control my weed addiction more and more from November, 2014, through February, 2015.

After that, I was in total control for about five months.

Then I slipped up.

The last four chapters will be entirely high thoughts from the time of that slipup (from July through September, 2015). I’ll share how everything I’d already learned had to come together in a new way before I was able to regain and finally maintain the balance and freedom I’d been searching for all along.

Thank you, again, for reading my story. Thank you for plowing through all the same concepts so many times. I hope doing so has caused them to sink in (like they had to for me) so they can benefit you as well.

But seeing my changing perspective won’t be enough to change yours.

This story is just my way of going public with my real experience.

Let’s hear your story.

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Intro, DAY 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, Afterword

 

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