Addiction is [secretly?] doing what you tell yourself not to.
But what do I mean by “secretly”?
During my years of weed addiction, those closest to me thought I was only getting high on weekends.
I was actually using whenever I possibly could, sometimes all day every day.
Once I began to successfully manage my weed use, it got to where I was ironically using about as often as I’d been telling everyone.
I wrote this at that time (while high):
“I’m actually getting high once a week for real now.
“It’s funny how it still feels like way too much.”
At least I could finally be honest with my loved ones.
But I’ve found it so hard to shake the stubborn notion that searching for balance means trying to figure out some exact amount to allow myself to use at designated times.
Despite everything you’ve seen me tell myself about not planning, I never truly realized how deeply caught up I was in the idea of arriving at some perfectly structured prescription to live by forever.
My high thoughts from above continue:
“Am I in control?
“Have I found balance?
“There are still times when I use more than I think I should.
“I’m not just some broken system that weed and other things can infiltrate and use.
“Am I this story?
“I certainly see in what I’ve captured exactly who I want to be and why.
“I’ve come to love just sitting here, listening to peaceful music, and typing out whatever high daydreams come to mind.”
It’s ironic that Facing Addiction has really been all about learning to face myself.
I don’t believe there’s any other universally applicable way to face and grow beyond whatever holds you back in life.
I asked myself these questions the next day (again high):
“Would I want to not use weed at all for a long time, and then get really high?
“Or, would I rather get a little high more often?
“But using less is so much better when I use only once in a while, right?”
I got high again the next day, felt bad, and wrote:
“I wasn’t supposed to do this today.
“I feel like I really can’t live like this anymore.”
A few days later, I got high again and wrote:
“It’s funny how I don’t hear myself.
“I keep saying I want to use weed less, right?
“How long have I been saying that?
“How many similar high thoughts have there been?
“You always fail at times because you never have a perfect perspective.
“It’s not about perfection.
“The truth is always this: I’ll be high again soon enough…” : )
I’ve always been impressed by this particular diet and exercise program that offers an extremely strict routine to carry out all week; but then once a week you get a free day to do and eat whatever you want.
Having that free day to look forward to makes the extreme workouts and food rules bearable.
It also makes what you eat on your free day taste so much better.
If balance and control are your goals—instead of lifelong abstinence—then you always know you’ll be using whatever it is again soon enough.
That gives you something to look forward to whenever self-management gets tough.
Don’t be ashamed when you fail to follow your conscience perfectly.
Just keep going.
Keep sharing your experience.
Watch what happens.
Has what you want ever proven to be a lot simpler than you can make it at times?
Tomorrow: Should you try to change everything all at once?