DAY 54 | Kicks ass

facing-addiction-kicks-assI can so clearly remember the first night I got high after getting my medical marijuana prescription.

I’d torn some clumps off of two different strains to try. One was supposed to be more energetic, bright, and cerebral—a Sativa called Permafrost. The other was meant to be more laid back, relaxing, and physical—an Indica named Abusive OG.

After a few puffs of the piney Permafrost, my mind began to race in an extremely raw and jagged way. Peering down at the clumps of Abusive OG on the counter, I decided I was done for the night. The Permafrost felt like it had been more than enough.

I remember literally thinking:

Man, I forgot how a couple hits of good weed can really kick your ass!”

So that was my official first high thought after getting my prescription.

Anyway, fast-forward a few years…

One day in late 2014, I was smoking a strain very much like Permafrost (called Jack Scout). I felt almost no effects at all, so I smoked the entire gram, mixing in an Indica very much like Abusive OG (called Player OG), as well as some hash, followed up with some homemade edibles.

I still felt almost nothing.

Although tolerance to addiction keeps weed from clobbering me the way a tiny bit would have at the beginning, addiction itself kicks my ass in a far more all-encompassing way.

Here’s something I wrote while high in November, 2014:

“I’m starting to see how badly my addiction is messing me up, especially when I use all day.

“When I first got my prescription, I had a lot more happening mentally for a good high to take apart. Having my mind thrown sideways like that could sometimes be quite shocking, even overwhelming.

“Now it feels as though my mind has been completely buzzed-through, burnt-out, and made dull.

“Old avalanches have been replaced by sad, lifeless little stirrings.

“The more I use in a day, the more I steadily drift toward feeling tired of everything and everyone.”

My goal in all of this has been to learn to use weed less so I can enjoy the magic of the experience more. The flipside of “less is more,” though, is I want to minimize the way addiction depletes me over time.

I’ve already shared how I’m affected socially, financially, mentally, physically, and in terms of my values (family, art form, stability, etc.).

I was once speaking to a group about the depleting effects of my weed addiction, and someone shot back with details about how using weed all the time had actually helped him in every area.

If that’s your experience, great. If getting high or whatever else isn’t holding you back at all, then I don’t see a problem. But I’d still recommend finding ways to share your real experience in time. Held back by addiction or not, sharing your experience helps you gain perspective about where your life as a whole is going.

Nobody’s perfect. We all have room to grow and improve.

You might uncover some unexpected limitations as you share about your values.

If using weed all the time doesn’t hold you back at all, I’d particularly like to hear your experience. Maybe it can balance out mine.

By no means do I have (or want to have) a monopoly on experience or insight, or on how to interpret those two things.

If you’re disgusted by the damage your addiction has done, tomorrow’s chapter will give you something to consider as you seek the best ways to gain control.

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Intro, DAY 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, Afterword

 

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