What have you always most loved or wanted to do? It’s okay if you’re not sure.
How might addictions or compulsions be hindering you from going after (or even knowing) your dreams?
When I was ten, I wrote this poem for school with my dad about an eagle. It was chosen to be published with some other poems from kids at nearby schools.
As a child, I spent much of my time imagining new video games. My parents probably still have boxes of old notebooks scribbled through with my little drawings and crude handwriting.
When I was eight, my teacher told me I was falling behind in most subjects, but that I wasn’t doing terribly in English. It’s funny the sorts of specific things you never forget being told.
I enjoy writing. I enjoy ideas. Fun, for me, is when I suddenly get a sense of how two seemingly unrelated worlds might connect. The work I’m most passionate about feels like excavating dinosaur bones—letting whatever’s buried be brought to the surface and reconnected with as little damage or interference as possible.
You’ve probably noticed all the high thoughts I’m including in this story. Well, I’ve actually been jotting down my high thoughts and intuitions ever since I started using medical weed.
Here’s one such high thought, recorded in early 2013:
“Weed weaves itself into every fabric of my life. Whether I’m taking a shower in the morning, driving to work, going for a walk…”
I guess weed just makes those everyday activities more enjoyable.
But one of the biggest problems with being high all the time is it keeps me from accomplishing my writing goals. When I’m always high, I can’t seem to sit and focus on developing a story or idea.
Here’s another high thought from 2013:
“My high intuitions are like unpolished daydreams—just random imaginations I feel compelled to capture whenever my mind wanders.”
About four years’ worth of high daydreams can make for quite a few notebooks, scraps of paper, Word documents, cellphone recordings, emails to myself….
But weed addiction keeps me from developing even the ideas weed itself helps inspire.
Here’s another related high thought:
“There are lots of good things about weed, but using too much hinders me in ways I can’t be hindered for what I want to do in life.”
Do addictions hold you back from accomplishing (or even knowing) your dreams?
Tomorrow: when I can’t function without weed.
P.S. After writing today’s chapter, I got high and wrote:
“I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m holding up my high thoughts and intuitions as, like, Ultimate Truth, or some sort of cosmic revelation.
“My high thoughts are just pieces of my real experience, like all the rest.
“Maybe my experience will connect with yours.”