Darkness (author unknown)
Let us go in darkness:
not of evil or design,
but empty of concern,
with desires poured
not to end,
but left to slip away:
to fade in beautiful fading song;
and wanting not for words,
Let us be silent now,
and allow for what cannot be said
Here’s something I once wrote while high in September, 2014:
“I still feel like I’m not where I could be.
“It’s like I need all sorts of sounds and distractions, but I wish I didn’t need anything.
“Hopefully once I catch up to myself, my compulsive cravings for stimulation simply won’t matter.
“Maybe then I’ll be able to enjoy silence in the midst of noise.
“Maybe then I’ll enjoy the wanting.”
My need for stimulation and distraction feels like a prison. All I’ve really come to see is how desperately I want freedom in the midst of my compulsions—not freedom from the compulsions, or from weed itself…
This story is about facing the very nature of addiction, not escaping specific addictive behaviors.
There are plenty of methods out there you could use to quit or outrun addiction. Why did you choose a story about someone who set balance and control as his end game?
What kind of world might we be imagining?
The path you take to freedom depends entirely on what you believe. I see two basic paths. For simplicity, let’s call them the Prescription Model and the Silence Model.
The Prescription Model identifies you as the problem.
Do you believe you’ll always be an addict—that the pull of your addictions will never cease to overpower you if you get anywhere near what you’re addicted to?
The Silence Model sets you as the solution. You change as the result of your own values using you to bring themselves more into being. Your values show you what you want until you’re forced to make better choices.
The Silence Model involves always making progress toward an ever-evolving, ever-expanding goal: a better you. You’re empowered to feel the full weight of your compulsions, knowing you’re getting better and better at choosing what they’ve kept you from instead.
Remember, I’m giving you the opposite of a set of instructions to memorize and use as a pillow to rest your head on. I’m telling you to stand and face every single aspect of yourself for all its worth.
The Prescription Model results in freedom from yourself. You, the addict, are given an effective method to keep yourself separate from all triggers that could set off what you regret to call your inward bent.
The Silence Model results in freedom with yourself. When you’re no longer controlled by compulsions, you can simply be and enjoy whatever sets of inner and outer circumstances happen to color your current world.
Now the twist: Could reading my story really just be your addiction’s way of tricking you and wedging itself ever further into your life?
Are we fooling ourselves to believe we could ever navigate the cliff face and return from addiction to balance and control?
Is silence possible?
When I started this story, I had no idea what sharing my experience would mean or accomplish. My journey so far has filled me with confidence. I truly believe I’ll now always be becoming the person I want to be more and more.
My goal is to help as many others as possible discover the same sense of freedom and progress.
If any part of you could believe in balance and control . . . or could believe in your own best self . . . I say go for it: Try going public with your experience. See what can happen.
It all comes down to what you really want, and to what you believe.
Tomorrow: exploring your dichotomies.