DAY 31 | Dumb on Purpose #2 (conscience)


I have lots of reasons for wanting to control my weed addiction.

I become aware of those reasons when I see how my addiction causes me to make myself act dumber than I actually am.

My strongest motivation to change is my desire to actively and coherently involve myself in my son’s life.

When I sneak off to go get high alone, I can’t help but think of all the important things I should be filling any necessary time away from him with—productive activities like work or working toward goals.

I’m crushed to think he might be feeling neglected while I’m off getting my fix (or giving weed its fix of me…).

Here’s a related thought I once wrote while high:

“What would be better for my son than for me to be________(fill in the blank)?

“Rather than having to hit rock bottom, is it possible to see signs of destruction in advance and change?”

If you find yourself acting dumber than you are—stuck doing things you should know better than to do—the issue must really be one of maturity, right?

Even with all the best reasons and intentions, I don’t believe addictions can be fought off by force.

I’ve sure never been able to will myself to quit compulsive weed use.

That’s why this story is about the power of going public to face every detail of your life until your perspective changes.

Again, the goal is maturity.

Maturity requires a change in perspective.

That’s what maturity is.

Here’s something else I once wrote while high:

“There’s opposition to being the person you want to be because you’re not just one thing.

“You’ll never JUST be your conscience, no-matter how loudly that particular voice might yell at you at times.

“I want to be taken to my potential.

“I want to be able to actually enjoy being high.

“Right now, my addiction keeps me from being the person I want to be.

“It also keeps me from enjoying or benefiting from weed the way I know I could.

“What I know I really want is to have fewer, better highs.

“I believe there are more mature outlets for the desires I currently fill in immature, harmful, unsatisfying ways.”

Tomorrow: using music to make myself dumber.

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