DAY 30 | Dumb on purpose #1 (people)

“Why would anyone think of quitting weed? If you see me, ask him.”
-someone high

facing-addiction-dumb-on-purpose-1When I get high all the time, I can’t seem to stay on top of that many things. Even the most carefully plotted schedules end up completely overlooked. I tend to drift through days, weeks, and months, hoping for reminders when important appointments arise or assignments are due.

I guess smart phones help when I make myself dumb; but I still never quite break even.

An old friend and I had agreed to catch up one night. Unfortunately, I got high every night that week and totally forgot. I ended up smoking right before he called.

I felt like I was all over the place during our conversation—zany, giggly, nervous, paranoid, dumb…

Have you ever experienced a specific type of paranoia that sets in when you try to engage in certain conversations high?

After talking with my friend that night, I smoked a little more and wrote:

“Weed sometimes makes me feel dumb when I have to communicate with certain people.

“That’s ironic, though, because addiction usually makes me feel the opposite way: like I can’t think as clearly when I’m straight.”

Another time, I got high and wrote:

“Being addicted, I feel much dumber when I’m not high.”

When I use weed addictively, high ideas seem to snap themselves together on different levels simultaneously; but then the high goes away, and thinking feels like lugging weights up a hill.

I miss being able to think, stay on top of things, talk to people…

Why choose to be dumber than I am?

Can seeing the effects of a series of dumb choices ever motivate smarter ones?

Tomorrow: why even the strongest of motivations might not be enough.

P.S. I later got high and wrote:

“Another way addiction causes me to make myself dumber in relationships is I end up putting myself in the most uncomfortable social scenarios imaginable, like being really high at work or around relatives.”

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