“Why would anyone think of quitting weed? If you see me, ask him.”
When I get high all the time, I can’t seem to stay on top of that many things. Even the most carefully plotted schedules end up completely overlooked. I tend to drift through days, weeks, and months, hoping for reminders when important appointments arise or assignments are due.
I guess smart phones help when I make myself dumb; but I still never quite break even.
An old friend and I had agreed to catch up one night. Unfortunately, I got high every night that week and totally forgot. I ended up smoking right before he called.
I felt like I was all over the place during our conversation—zany, giggly, nervous, paranoid, dumb…
Have you ever experienced a specific type of paranoia that sets in when you try to engage in certain conversations high?
After talking with my friend that night, I smoked a little more and wrote:
“Weed sometimes makes me feel dumb when I have to communicate with certain people.
“That’s ironic, though, because addiction usually makes me feel the opposite way: like I can’t think as clearly when I’m straight.”
Another time, I got high and wrote:
“Being addicted, I feel much dumber when I’m not high.”
When I use weed addictively, high ideas seem to snap themselves together on different levels simultaneously; but then the high goes away, and thinking feels like lugging weights up a hill.
I miss being able to think, stay on top of things, talk to people…
Why choose to be dumber than I am?
Can seeing the effects of a series of dumb choices ever motivate smarter ones?
Tomorrow: why even the strongest of motivations might not be enough.
P.S. I later got high and wrote:
“Another way addiction causes me to make myself dumber in relationships is I end up putting myself in the most uncomfortable social scenarios imaginable, like being really high at work or around relatives.”