What if you could cut through all the fluff and noise that pass through your mind each day?
Imagine being able to hone in on only your truest desires and motivations. Then imagine seeing a whole season’s worth of those most accurate aspects (of you) all connect like puzzle pieces to reveal a clearer, far more expansive picture of where you’re really at in life.
That’s the basic theory behind my Facing Addiction story.
I’m now going to take a look a typical week’s worth of my own high thoughts. This isn’t something I’d planned on in advance, so what I’m about to share is just whatever happened to occur to me that week.
So, on August 3, 2014, I got really, really high.
After gliding to the restroom, I peered up at the mirror and felt oddly compelled to write:
Dude, you’re so far from where you think you are.”
Next I paced back to where my laptop was and closed my eyes. My mind became a rich jumble of mechanical colors and quickly shifting formulations of the peaceful darkness all around. I was struck by the fact that I had no pressing thoughts to write down. The unusual lack of compulsion to do anything but rest in the experience was wonderfully calming.
About an hour later, I smoked some more, and wrote:
Out of habit, I responded to my own concern by scribbling out a throwaway plan about when I thought the best, most balanced times to get high would be.
The next night, I got high again and wrote:
“It’s already working. I’m not smoking as much during the day anymore because I’ve been working on this story at night.
“Now I need to start using less than every single night.
“I think that’s the thing: It’s not about trying to force myself to stop for any period of time, but just to get used to using only as needed.
“But how much is needed?
“Do I know?”
I got high again the next night, and my thoughts seemed to continue on from right where they’d left off.
“Making a goal public solidifies it, but how do I know what the goal is?
“Does it come from intuition, or should I use what’s naturally worked for me before?”
I wrote this the next day, on August 6, 2014 (again, while high):
“I’d like to take some time off from weed. I need time to work on putting all my high thoughts together for this story.”
I didn’t get high the next day. I forget why.
On August 8, 2014, I got high again, and wrote:
“Maybe it’s best to keep the thoughts I write down as simple as possible—not to add to them or embellish, but just to write whatever’s actually occurred to me.”
So, here’s a basic summary of what I got from that random five days’ worth of high thoughts about my own addiction: I have a long way to go to find the balance I’m looking for; I want to share my experience in the simplest ways possible; my goal is to catch up to myself—to be able to share my experience as it actually happens; reaching that goal will be evidence of the balance I’m looking for; preparing to go public has already naturally enabled me to reduce how much and how often I use.
The underlying message to myself was: It’s happening; keep going.
Expect the details of your experience, how you record and share it, and how your intuitions and desires tie to your dreams and goals, to be entirely unique to you.
Gaining a fuller picture of what you want provides motivation and direction as you’re made more and more aware of how you’re currently being held back.
Tomorrow: The immaturities at the root of my addictive behaviors cause me to act dumber than I actually am.