My name is Andrew Knuon Finn, and I’m a…
About thirteen years ago, I met this girl through friends at a dance party. We both took ecstasy, something neither of us were that experienced with.
Certain moments from that night are still so clear in my mind . . . glimpses of the two of us playing out scenes from old movies, the pills melting our inhibitions as we merged with warm, endless textures of sound, people, and beauty.
Two days later, we planned to take more pills at a water park out in the middle of nowhere. On our way in the car, we both concluded that a full jar of ecstasy pills probably wouldn’t be the best idea for either of us. We each saw within ourselves a tendency to swallow first and ask questions later.
That was a mostly fun time in my life. I didn’t get hooked on pills or anything.
I’m now thirty-four. I have a wife, a kid, a career…
I’ve been using medical marijuana for about four years, though I’ve actually been getting high off-and-on since I was a teenager. Though certain weed experiences have felt irreplaceably valuable, I can’t deny I’m now addicted.
This story will be my search for balance. I want to see if I can return from the uncontrolled chaos of addiction to a state where I use only intentionally—only when I actually choose to.
Rather than just a play-by-play of my own relationship with weed, my wider focus will be on learning to face, balance, and control all addictions and compulsions.
Here’s something I once wrote while high about what I hoped this story could be:
“I wish this really was as cool and spontaneous a cry for help as it might seem. It’s actually odd, and hopefully surreptitious (idk).
“Maybe it’s something necessary in a safety-harness-for-the-fall sort of way…?”
Basically, I’ve felt for a long time that sharing publically like this would be my first necessary step in bringing my addiction under control.
Here’s another high thought I wrote down years ago about how I define addiction:
“Addiction is [secretly?] doing what you tell yourself not to.”
It took me a long time to start working on this story because I thought it would mean having to commit to some strict plan for limiting my weed use. I’ve lost all confidence in plans like that (or in myself to keep to them).
I actually have a whole bunch of weed left. I’ll probably smoke some tonight after I work on this. That’s a funny thing to say on DAY 1 of a story about controlling addiction; but it just goes back to this intuition I have that sharing my experience will be my first step toward recovery.
I believe if I just concentrate on going public, my addiction will basically take care of itself.
If my quest fails, and I end up so far off the wagon that this becomes yet another memory of another failed attempt, I’ll know my high thoughts and feelings about balance and control were really just the wild projections of a delusional addict—someone blindly clinging against all better judgment to his drug(s).
If that’s the case, I’ll join a twelve-step or other recovery program. I’ll admit that I really am powerless to keep myself under control.
What do you think? Is finding balance ever possible after addiction?
Right now, I do feel pretty powerless to stop myself from getting high. I guess we’ll see how going public might change things for me.
Tomorrow: searching for magic.