I often wonder how many times I’ll have to learn the same lessons before the knowledge reaches a deep enough level for me to actually change.
But wondering that hasn’t helped.
I keep watching myself approach addiction like a tactician in a war I feel myself losing.
But then life catches up; and instead of seeing my perfect strategies implemented in time, I glimpse myself staring motionless at words on docs and spreadsheets meant to represent what I’ve already known to do all along.
In those moments, I can always justify giving in to addiction.
And such moments are all I have when it comes to making decisions.
But everything changes when I find ways to consistently capture and share this pattern as it repeats itself over and over.
Then I’m able to let go of the grandiose regime . . . and I’m also finally unable to ignore those same lessons I’ve learned however many times.
So I guess wondering does help, when public.