This is actually an ongoing choice, and I’m glad whenever I’m forced to make it; it’s a choice that changes my life the same wonderful way each time.
It’s the choice to let go of what I think I’m supposed to be, and to just be the best version of what I am.
Maturity means seeing where our perspectives and abilities are limited so we can maximize our natural strengths.
But I’ve instead taken my dangerous mix of optimism and insecurity, and blown it way out of proportion for years, resulting in an unwavering (unconscious) belief that there’s nothing I can’t or shouldn’t aspire to.
Whenever I see anyone with any skill or strength, I imagine myself doing or being whatever it is (only better)—it could be speaking to crowds, encouraging a team, creating content, being assertive, showing kindness, solving problems…
I tend to cycle through sets of (read: “harebrained schemes”) for how to make myself transcend every limit I won’t acknowledge so I can embody all the good I see.
My attempts at forcing identities and capacities get quite desperate as I get older; and it gets harder and harder ignore the glaring face of passing time and little progress.
Inevitably, I get so overwhelmed by my self-imposed pressure to go in unnatural directions that I’m forced to take steps back and see (again) what’s really been there all along quietly working itself to life beneath the surface.
There’s such a peace in letting go and just being what I am.
But the tough thing about real abilities and non-contrived perspectives is they’re easy to ignore. You take for granted what you can do without having to try, since it really amounts to nothing more than simply being yourself.
Yes, I’ll probably make this same mistake again (even despite having written this).
But I’m looking forward to the freedom, release, and unprecedented progress that come with each new degree of self-acceptance.